I used to be a close group with two friends.

Leia, Lockhart, and I. Three together, united. Nothing could stop us.

Extreamly, extreamly close. Closer than anyone else. The only people who I would entrust with my life and soul without hesitation. We met so long ago, when I was 12? That would make it around 4 years ago.

I loved them with all my heart.

Which is why it pains me to even think about how I left them all behind. I cut off all contact, and ran off. Didn’t look back even once. Lockhart had traced down my neospring (similar to retrospring, taken down a few months ago however…) and sent me a message saying that they would wait for me. Naturally I crashed out and went batshit crazy for the entire week.

Before leaving though, I sent a pastebin link telling them that I would treasure the memories we created, but the chance of me coming back was heavily low. So, so low.

But, why?

I just don’t feel like I can tell them anything. And the conflict with my involvement in rentry was driving me insane. Leia told me that I should leave due to toxicity- but I wanted to stay because discords revolviong around rentry urls/decoration let me talk to people about my newest interest, website decoration and designing. At the same time, that feels so hypocritical? But it wasn’t me…

Not for a second do I ever feel like myself.

I just can’t bring myself to tell my friends that truth. The full truth, I can’t even tell it to this blog until I truly find out and confirm this said truth.

I truly dont think I’ll turn back. But, a few hours before I cut all contact, I archived every single discord server besides 2 or 3 that were lost forever via discrub. I think thats the name? Sorry if it’s wrong.

These servers, they’re something. When I was younger I was heavily into roleplaying as fantasy characters in fantasy worlds, and so were Leia and Lockhart. These servers held countless lines of dialogue and actions of these worlds.

The official name I’ve given to these worlds is the Polaris System. The system I can write an entire blog post about- but I’ve archived it all. All into one usb drive.

I’m such a vile writer… but was it really my writing? Anyway. I have so many dead original characters. So sorry to the 10 bajillion characters I’ve killed off.

It’s not the first time I cut them off, technically. At first I was upset at the entire power advantage Leia and Lockhart had. There were some rules in our servers that our characters couldn’t be gods and mary-sue’s. The moment I wanted a complicated character I was shot down, but the other two seemed to do whatever they wanted. Also a strange comment that my oc’s weren’t fit to be one of the “main characters” was the final nail in the coffin. I just felt excluded in a way despite being there all the time.

So I left. But then I found lockhart on discord a year later and we reunited. All was okay… mostly. Leading up to around May, when I started to notice that everything was just falling apart. No new “worlds” were progressing and it was mainly just me making my own thing with my own characters. Everyone started to go their own way.

And also the entire rentry thing. Strange as Leia does use rentry actively yet told me to leave it behind. Now that I do think of it some more, maybe we’re all just hypocrites?

I don’t know. I kicked out everyone from my servers that I owned and now they’re just empty echo chambers. Or at least almost empty.

There’s one friend I haven’t said anything about: Ziad.

Ziad and I go far back. We used to be a good team together and even tried developing a game at one point for Roblox, with his code and my 3d modeling. It didn’t go anywhere besides some animation tests from what I remember. It was planned to be some fantasy adventure game heavily inspired by Genshin Impact, but maybe we’ll come back to it?

Roblox games aside, he was a close friend of I and Leia. He was in only onw or two discord servers. But, Ziad cut contact with leia a year before I did, since he didn’t like the way the fantasy roleplay worlds had all these specific rules, and how leia was selfish (I see.)

I found Ziad through a maze, practically. Password guessing my old discord account and scrolling through endless cringe dms felt like hell. But, I found his username, and friended him on my new account. It was a relief to meet an old friend again, I never realized how much I’d miss him. I hold a lot of admiration for him, I won’t lie. He knows so many coding languages despite being the same age as me. He’s very kind as well, which I adore.

Ziad is also the friend who helped me get rid of that virus I was talking about last month! Thank you Ziad I’d die without you.

Anyway, Ziad was invited to all of my servers and I gave him permission to look through whatever he wanted in the Polaris System. So, I guess there is an audience in my storytelling. Just one, but I think that’s more than enough for witness.

I’m much rather content with the worlds being empty now. It’s just me, ziad, and tupperbot, playing with a virtal dollhouse through text. It’s a little childish to still continue these fantasy discord character roleplays at 16, but… it’s something that makes me happy. A story with no end. I would actually like to write it out as a book, or perhaps a visual novel? I’ve had a strong interest in vns, I think the entire Polaris System would fit right in.

All is empty except for just an old friend and I, as it should be and will be, forever.

PS: I cut off all contact on 5/5/25 at 5:55. The 555 angel number symbolizes major life changes, transformation, and new beginnings. Angel numbers are a bit of an inside joke for me… but it’s ironic.