Its so funny how in 3 months my blog weng from “i am strugling trying to get dark mode on my jekyll theme waaah” to “im ending the execution” IJBOL

whatever honestly we ball. my aunt took a lot of my family members to a trip, six flags. nerd moment but im actually very interested in roller coasters, there was a time I genuinely studied g-forces just because of them. I’ve never actually been on one before unfortunately.

I wasn’t invited for some reason. a lot of my mom’s side of the family dislikes me just think? they never say hi to me when I visit or really talk to me. I’ve tried to talk to my cousins but they ignore me. im not sure what the issue is with me. im really social, actually, I shouldn’t be having issues with communication.

what’s stupid is that two months ago I sent an email to my cousins begging for my laptop back. never got a single reply. a week ago I get a long, probably ai generated email asking me how my break is going. are we deadass… do they expect me to be all happy and glad when I’ve done nothing but suffer for days?

I find myself asleep on deaths door at every second. I am just so, so tired. I have the power to change everything if I just died. three households, three families that im involved in would crumble without me. the awful school i go to would probably be investigated if I blame them hard enough.

as tempting as ruining my parent’s ruptation is,I still have lots of goals in life that I want to achieve. good websites with fancy domain urls, being a professional 3d modeler, a pet cat, having a group of friends, the list goes on. I don’t ask for a lot… I just want peace and the basic necessities.

I’ll get out of here one way or another. “ending the execution” is only if like, im absolutely done for with no choices and will.

on the other hand my dad doesn’t care about me at all. he was supposed to be taking me to Vegas and whatnot, but now they’re going to throw me back to my aunts house. gotta love suffering…

I may get my laptop back. I have a lot of 3d (especially MMD) work saved on USB drives that i carry with me everywhere but it’s not all. my laptop holds lot of projects. and also, memories. when I cut off my longest lasting friends, I archived every single discord server we were in using a chrome extension. the thought of loosing those precious files drives me insane.

I just miss everything. one of the “peak” times in my life was probably early 2024, everything was so much better. I actually had a group of friends at school. but then I watched that crumble and burn so um.

I do have “one” friend and I’ll be miserable without them, but my life is my priority. I’ve let this school cause enough psychological damage to my mind. they’ve been with me since the first few days of 5th grade, but I have to keep going.

oh well.