It’s currently 1:05 AM and I have no intention of sleeping. I am also watching clips from the office.

Drinking game: take a shot everytime you read “kill myself” or if you’re underage like me, take a shot of apple juice instead

So, err, where do I start with this all?

To make a (very) long story short, I wanted to be a good friend by listening to a mutal’s “feelings” (what) that they had on a google document. They sent it to me, and it wasn’t all that nice. Said some things about wanting to die, a noose in the closet, and some other strange things. I tried to comfort him and then I went to bed. Then disatser struck when I was called into my prinicpals office, locked in there for 5 hours, and questioned by 3 people as to why I had this google document on my school account. Yes, school account. You are reading that right. I am fucking stupid.

I read the document on my school account & school computer. I am truly a dumbass! In my defense kids at my school have done 20x worse on school computers. Ah, anyway, it completely fucked up my mental health. Locking a neurodivergent kid in a room is never a good idea. I ended up yelling at everyone in the room, and they almost put me in a 5150. Scary! But also really fucking dumb when I consider the fact that when they try to “help” me, they instead make me want to kill myself.

Hate my school! Hate my principal! Hope he gets jumped by a pack of wolves in fact.

Even worse? They told my parents. ahahahaha.

They took away my laptop. Hm. They also don’t believe me at all and think im just in “really big trouble.”

There’s some pain to having everyone around you just not believe anything you say. Even the closest of my relatives, of my family, refuse. My cousins who I’ve trusted since forever especially don’t trust me. They were in a call in that room. They heard me scream and cry for help, and they do nothing.

I feel betrayed.

But also really stupid… all this over one google document and the blame is technically all on me. This sucks! I’m supposed to be a really cute internet idol influencer person thing not some loser whos on the verge of killing herself.

Anyway, I debated actually killing myself on the day after (Tuesday) as I could barely focus on any of my finals. Oh, did I mention this week was finals week? The school’s trying to kill me. Anyway, I cried and cried in the school bathrooms because I was starting to realize that I was going to fail my finals, never get into college, and probably end up homeless on the streets where nobody loves me. But then a miracle! God struck me with adrenaline and slapped me across the face. Something happened and suddenly, suddenly the only thought in my head was: Fuck it, we ball.

I’m dead serious. And I passed all my finals like a crazy bitch. Woo! God said my time is not up yet. Or maybe it is idk I’m kind of loosing my mind as I type this blog post ahahahahaha

I believe my GPA is currently a 3.5 or somewhere similar. That is great in my book, I honestly just believed I’d fail and then kill myself eventually.

You know, there’s some cruel irony to all of this. The people who saw me? From the county’s behavioral health department. What do they do? They preach about how they’ll help me feel better, and instead make me want to absolutley die instead. I want to be a good friend? It stabs me in the back 10 times, drags me across the floor, and throws me into a ditch to die.

I’m writing this blog post on the same school chromebook btw it’s okay you can call me stupid if you wan’t. Old habits die hard! I also just don’t care anymore and I still don’t have my laptop back!

My parents also took away my flip phone for some time but I got that back yesterday. I called my mom. She’s really just not the best of people but good lord I need to get out of here. If I stay here and end up working at a shitty retail job all summer which i dont even get paid for, I’m killing myself for SURE.

But, I called her and she told me she’d pick me up… today. Today at 11 AM. Exactly 10 hours from now. I’m going to have to deal with 2 really annoying half-sisters that don’t even see me as their sister, but whatever.

If my aunt didnt either break my laptop or throw it away and I end up getting it back tommorow, I’ll still update my blog sometimes here and there for the next two months. If not, well. Um. Guess I’ll die? Please get that reference.